


A Place In His Heart

by touchinghearts



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Shot, Romance, one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-29
Updated: 2011-03-29
Packaged: 2017-10-17 08:59:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/175156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/touchinghearts/pseuds/touchinghearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is it so bad that I want him to consider me special compared to everybody else? RDD era.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Place In His Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This is also posted on my livejournal. It may be disjointed, and has been said as much; nonetheless, it's a good piece of fiction about the acceptance of one-sided love.

_There’s an unspoken fact about humanity not many realise. People want to pretend that they can be independent, that they can stand on their own two feet. They want to pretend that they can go on without anyone pulling them along when they’re tired, helping them up when they fall, and patching their wounds when they get hurt. They want to pretend that they can live just as well alone as with someone else._

 _That isn’t true. The truth is, we need other people if we want to be happy. The roads that we travel through in life are far from isolated or straight. By crossing into the paths of other people, we find our way far more easily than we could have on our own. We need help to progress and asking for it is only possible when we rely on other people._

 _There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s the basic feature of being human, after all._

“There was nothing you could do about it, Minho.”

Minho buried his face deeper into the pillow, tightening his arms around it, as though he was trying to drown out his leader’s voice. He might actually be trying to do that, come to think of it. His mind probably swirled with so many emotions that he felt fed up with just about everything.

Jinki shifted beside him, his expression worried and a little sad. “Things like this just happen,” he said, keeping his voice light just in case Minho’s anger got the better of him and he exploded. He didn’t want to encourage it if that happened. “You can’t win all the time.”

Minho’s growl was muffled but it made the older male flinch all the same. He considered his next words and then sighed.

“It’s not your fault. You know better than anyone that winning isn’t everything. You did your best. That’s what matters. That’s what you should think about. If you’d gotten cocky and made a mistake, then you would’ve deserved to lose.”

Jinki felt Minho stiffen next to him on the couch. He didn’t take the words back, however. They were true and he knew the other understood that. He just didn’t like hearing it because worth it or not, losing _hurt_. Jinki tapped his index finger against the couch back, trying to think of a way that would make the younger boy talk to him.

In the end, he decided there was none. Minho was tired and his pride was smarting from yet another disappointing day at Dream Team. He deserved to sulk all he wanted.

Jinki reached out and wrapped his arms around Minho, pulling him close. He could feel the athletic body tense up instantly. Minho wasn’t used to this; usually everyone just left him alone to lick his wounds in private. Jinki had just thought it was time to change that routine. He just didn’t like hearing it because worth it or not, losing hurt. Jinki tapped his index finger against the couch back, trying to think of a way that would make the younger boy talk to him.

“It’s okay to be upset,” said Jinki softly at the tuft of hair visible at his collarbone. “It’s normal. You can be upset all night long if you want.”

He silently willed Minho to calm down and just accept the comfort he was offering. For a long while, it didn’t seem like he would but then the rapper relaxed against him, turning his face to bury it into Jinki’s chest instead and snuggling closer. He didn’t release the pillow, just pulled it up to hide the rest of his head. Jinki smiled gently and tightened his grip.

Neither of them said a word for the rest of the night. But the next morning Minho was up and bouncing all over their apartment, in the process bewildering the rest of its occupants who wondered if they had just dreamed the bad mood he’d been in the day before.

“Did you say something to him?” SHINee’s chief manager whispered to Jinki. The leader grinned and just shrugged.

He was glad he had been able to help, and even happier when he remembered how perfect Minho had felt in his arms.

 _I’ve always known I need others to keep smiling. I need Jonghyun to make me laugh and feel like I’m not wasting this one life I have. I need Taemin to coo and fuss over to ease my worries about my shortcomings. I need Kibum to take care of me and make me feel like I’m worth being bothered about._

 _I need Minho to love._

 _It had been extraordinarily simple to fall for Minho. The first time we met; he smiled in that shy, sweet way he always does when he’s nervous and suddenly my heart was racing and my cheeks were flushing and all sound had fled from my ears. All I could see was that smile and that face and how his big eyes sparkled with innate friendliness. All I could think about was the way his hand felt in mine when we shook and the vibrations his deep voice sent down my back when he introduced himself._

 _I’d never felt that way before for anyone. I knew I was in love._

“Onew-hyung, what are you doing with that knife?” Minho demanded, stepping into the kitchen.

Jinki blinked at him from over his shoulder then smiled brightly. “I’m making a sandwich,” he said, turning sideways so the rapper could see the bread and meat he’d laid out on the plate.

Minho brightened. “Can I have one too?” he asked, coming over to sit in the chair at the table.

“Sure.” Jinki fetched more ingredients from the fridge and cupboards and set them beside his original batch. “Tomatoes?”

“Nah, just the meat and butter.”

Jinki nodded and began to spread the butter on the bread. Silence reigned in the kitchen but it was comfortable as Minho watched his leader make food for both of them. Eventually Jinki began to hum, something light and sweet that made Minho’s ears perk up, trying to figure out what the tune was. He didn’t recognise it though.

“What are you humming, hyung?” he asked.

Jinki looked up. “Nothing, really,” he answered with a smile. “I’m just making it up as I go along.”

“You’re making it up?” said Minho incredulously. “It sounds like a real song.”

Jinki chuckled. “I guess it’s because I know more about composing them now,” he said. “When I was a kid, I used to make my mom laugh when I make up the weirdest songs. I kept stopping when the next note sounded wrong and repeated it with a different one. Even my dad teased me about it.”

Minho made a small sound of understanding. They grew quiet again but this time Jinki was a bit more conscious of the other’s gaze. He tried his best not to flush and ended up nearly dropping the butter knife. He set it down and gripped the sharp one to cut the meat. He nearly dropped that, too, when Minho’s hand suddenly closed over his. He looked up and blinked at him.

Minho smiled at him. “Why don’t you let me do that, hyung?” he said idly, taking the knife from him. “I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

Jinki laughed nervously but didn’t protest. He could feel his cheeks warm up; for some reason, the sense of Minho’s touch didn’t want to leave his skin although his fingers already had. He sat down in the chair opposite the rapper, placing the hand in his lap. He couldn’t resist stroking it lightly, wishing Minho would touch him again. It had brought tingles to his skin which he rather enjoyed.

“Here you go, hyung,” said Minho happily, handing him one finished sandwich. “With love from me, okay?” He grinned and Jinki laughed, because it was a joke and he knew that was all it would ever be.

‘If only, Minho-ah,’ he thought wistfully. ‘If only.’

 _Loving Minho isn’t painful. Far from it. I know he loves me, too. Perhaps not in the way I would like him to, but that’s okay. The fact that he does at all makes me happy. It’s better than hatred, isn’t it? He cares for me, he does things to make me happy, and all that is much better than being ignored. I don’t think I could handle it if he was indifferent to him. At least like this, I’m important to him._

 _But of course, it’s a human aspect to be greedy. When they receive something, they’ll always want more. It’s our nature, our way, and to be honest, would we have been so modern if we didn’t have such a trait? Animals are satisfied with the way they live because they have what they basically need. But humans want more and because of that want, we progress to a better life. If we hadn’t, we’d still be stuck in caves cooking meat over a small fire pit._

 _I’m no different. I want to mean more to Minho. I want to be the best to him, to be the one he looks to for help, to be the one he smiles at when he’s happy. I want to be the only one for him._

 _It’s an egotistical thought. I should be content that he cares for me at all. I can’t monopolise all his heart. Who am I to do such a thing? He can love whoever he wants, as much as he wants. What makes me so special compared to other people? No one is better or worse than me. We’re all different and unique in our way. That’s what Minho understands. That’s why he can love so many people._

Jinki watched in amusement as Minho bounced from one hyung to the next. He really had to wonder where the rapper had acquired such a talent to leave someone without insulting them and then join someone else without being intrusive. He’d have to ask him later.

“What are you smiling at, Jinki-hyung?”

Jinki turned to see Jonghyun gazing at him curiously. The leader merely widened his smile at him.

“Just Minho, Jonghyunnie,” he said truthfully, gesturing. Jonghyun’s eyes shifted. Together they watched as Minho yet again changed partners, departing from Eunhyuk and Yunho and moving on to join Siwon and Eeteuk in conversation.

“He’s such a suck up,” said Jonghyun with a bark of good-natured laughter.

“You have to admit, it’s impressive how he can get so close to so many people,” said Jinki reasonably.

“I guess. It’s a part of him.” Jonghyun shrugged although he didn’t stop smiling. “He’s always been like that, right? He gets along with people even better than me. I get so jealous sometimes.” He winked at the older male. “But don’t tell him that or his head will just get bigger than it already is.”

Jinki laughed and saluted playfully with two fingers. He brought his gaze around only to see Minho heading in his direction. Instantly he grinned, feeling happy when Minho returned the smile just as vibrantly.

“Hi, Onew-hyung,” he greeted, reaching him. “What are you doing here, standing alone?”

“Nothing much, Minho-ah, just thinking. What were you doing?”

Minho’s eyes brightened and he began to recite all the gossip he’d picked up on his ‘tour of the SM hyungs’. Jinki listened but not very attentively. He was more interested in watching the way Minho’s expressions played across his gorgeous face, how excited he was as he talked and how happy he seemed. To Jinki, it looked like he was glowing. He was beautiful. He always was.

“I wonder why people haven’t gotten sick of you yet,” the leader quipped when Minho stopped.

“Yah, hyungie,” the rapper growled good-humouredly. “No one would ever get sick of me; I’m perfect!”

Jinki laughed again but inside he sighed longingly. ‘You definitely are,’ he thought. ‘Much more than you actually mean.’

 _Sometimes, I envy that part of him. His heart is so large that he can love just about anyone. Whoever he meets he can love. Perhaps the only fault and at the same time strength of that is no one means any more or less to him. He loves all of us equally._

 _And maybe that’s what I find unbearable._

 _I want to mean more to him than everyone else because he means more to me than everyone else. I want to be special to him because he is to me. I want to be the centre of his life because he’s the centre of mine. He owns my heart and I would’ve given anything to own his._

 _Just thinking of him calling me by my real name makes me feel light-headed. That would be a novelty above all else. Hearing him whisper “Jinki,” against my lips just before he kisses me. It would be the loveliest dream. A dream that I know will never come true._

 _Maybe he doesn’t look at everyone equally. Maybe there are people who matter more to him than others. His family, for instance. That’s understandable. But I want to be given that same consideration. I want to be part of the elite, the small group that he cherishes in particular. I want to be on those precious people he regards above the rest. I want him to look at me differently than just his hyung in the same band._

 _I suspect I don’t have any right to want such a thing. I don’t have any more claim on him than anyone else. The fact is; he loves everyone. He loves me, but I don’t_ especially _matter. I don’t have a particular place in his life aside from ‘Onew-hyung, kind hyung in my band’. There are some people in the world that will always be above me in his hierarchy of people he cares for._

 _It’s not that I don’t want him to continue loving other people. I don’t mind at all. I love many people too; my family, my friends in the army, our members and co-workers, the new friends I make as I progress with my career. I love them all. And I understand that he’ll love so many others as well. I just…it’d be nice if I meant more than them, because he certainly means more to me._

 _I love him. Is it so bad that I want him to consider me special compared to everybody else?_

“Oh, there’s Changmin-hyung!” Minho exclaimed, his gaze riveted to the person who had just entered the recreational area. “I’m going to say hi; I’ll talk to you later, okay, Onew-hyung?”

Jinki rolled his eyes at him. “Get lost, kid.”

Minho laughed and shoved him lightly before striding away. Jinki’s chocolate eyes followed him. He watched as Minho paused to punch Jonghyun in the shoulder, ducking a returning blow before taking off again. He watched as Minho waved enthusiastically when Donghae called out to him. He watched as Minho reached Changmin, draping an arm over the taller man’s shoulders and grinning just as brightly as he had grinned at Jinki.

Jinki’s smile became yearning despite his best efforts to keep his emotions back.

 _Minho-ah, is it all that selfish that I want you to fall in love with me?_

 **END**

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed.^^ If you've spotted any inconsistencies or such, please inform me. This is the first time I'm posting on AO3 despite having the account for a while, and I'm a little at odds with the HTML [more like I have absolutely no idea how to use them]. Thank you for reading!


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